Thursday, April 27, 2006
1:15 AM
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She did it again today. She totally ruined my day in school. Why must she go on hurting me? Why can't she care about my feelings?
Tomorrow is my english paper. And here I am blogging. I know my english is not as superb as Jezz but I just can't study you know. I've already learnt the format and all. Vocabulary too. So what else? I really want to so something but I can't find anything. And I really wish I can do well for english. If not, what more can I say?
I'm trying to be strong nowadays. Even though there are some people who just can't help it but to hurt my feelings. And seriously, I love being a councillor but the thing is, my duty class just makes me want to quit councillor. No matter how many times I've yell at them, they wont change. They still continue behaving like..............
those who can't beave well.
I'm so irritated by everyone around me. I've no reason why. I feel so miserable day by day. Sometimes, I just wish I could turn back the time. It hurt being this way. The only friend that might understand my life right is Fathin. Well, simply cause she's from my primary school too. Whats more, she's my good friend and my classmate in primary school. Although she's irritating and all, i assume that she may know what I'm going through right now. She too may feel the same way as me. Life wasn't easy for her in this school. I asked her this question in school.
"How do you live?"
What I meant was actually how she's able to stay cheerful although she has lots of problems. She still smilles. But she answered, " Food, drink, sleep" I guess.
I dont know whether anyone went through the same past as mine. I really wish I could find that person cause she'll be the only one who understand my feelings and thoughts. Even though I kept trying telling people about my past. They wont understand. Maybe I didnt explain it clearly or maybe they think I've made it up. I just dont know.
I was blinded by my past. I wasted for 2 years or so thinking and figuring out about my past. If not, I guess I can do so much more then what I'm doing right now.
Finding who I really am definitely is tough. I can really sweet at one time but I can be bitchy and stuff on the other time. I can get emotional. I may be naive. Its just complicated.
In school, I dont know who I am. Was I myself? Or was I pretending to be someone else?
I put all my concentration in studies. I couldnt much less care about friends problems. I'm trying not to cry over small matters. I'm trying everything.
Sometimes, I just wish I could be alone in school. I just felt that its better that way.
I do admit that I have friends who cares about me. Friends like Jezz, stella etc. Other friends who I used to be close with. I just feel that our friendship is getting futher and futher away. I tried saving our friendship by keeping quiet and not showing attitude but you? Have you done your part?
Its painful to see myself this way. Crying wont help. I want to run away but can I?
I CANT.
I'm still waiting.........
waiting for that day to come....
the day when I....
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